My tears and fears...mmmhhh but I still trust Him.

Can I have fears and still trust Him? As you can already see (from the title), today wasn't as great as yesterday. Not as bad as the past few weeks but I really thought I was on a recovery roll with just how great these past few days had been. I thought things couldn't dip any lower. I wake up everyday with anticipation and really hoping that is the big day- the day of my healing manifestation. I realized that I had fears about returning to work. And yes that's silly but for me it's as real as can be. I trust God but I don't trust my own physical body to take me through hectic stressful work demands. I don't know if I can really truly focus and offer my best. Im blessed to say that for some unknown reasons(It's God of course), the manager at the store I was offered a part time position gave me some time to recover before starting my training and all that. That was a bit surprising because I was ready to give up my position. It makes me believe that for some reason God is up to something Im not aware of. Isn't he always? lol (; (first smile of the day) Praise God!! I feel like I can't do nothing really. And that's true to some extent even before I started experiencing these "symptoms". I always always relied so much on MY efforts. My strength, my zeal, my enthusiasm, my general optimism about my future. My walk with God even at my most "spiritual" level was never a helpless "help me Lord. I need you every day" attitude. Yes, I know I needed God but I always felt that most of the stuff I did was by my own efforts and God sort sat passively and supervised it. I wasn't needing my Jesus 24/7. Its crazy how out of control I can get these days without listening to His word or reading His word every now and then throughout the day. Like the devil attacks me every hour Im sitting idle. I try not to focus on the negative evil thoughts from the devil but I get mad sometimes.It's is truly medicine God's word. I feel so much better after some tough love from preachers like Creflo Dollar and Joyce Meyer.I guess I don't rebuke him enough. The devil provokes me mostly in public. Like the other time I almost cried on the subway. I was just so overwhelmed with the pain I was experiencing in my body and in my soul. I think I did shed a tear or two. At home I try to hide my breakdowns. Sometimes it's not because Im scared. Most of the times it's because Im overwhelmed with the present moment. The fact that I've never experience such a major setback in my life. People close to me have seen a change and that is what Im trying to avoid. I want to keep the Joy of the Lord. My mother called me today and I couldn't even really talk to her because every time I think of her it makes me cry. She is been through so much with her children. I feel like Im her hope. She frets a lot and worries about a lot and this change in me might cause her to worry more. It's just tough to write about that because I love my parents so much. For me it's God first and my parents and that just makes me sad to think that this might affect them even though it's for just a short period of time in my life. I can't talk to anybody and I feel alone most of the time. If it weren't for God's constant love and mercy, I know that I would have checked into a mental facility by now.But Jesus Christ died so I can say today that despite what I feel and what I did, He still cared enough to forgive, heal and promise me a great future. The pain may be unbearable now BUT I know once God remains on His throne, I'll be FINE and my testimony can only get better. Something tells me NOTHING can shake me after this when I come out of this experience. Im learning so much. It's crazy. My peace is getting better....not where I want it to be but God is working on me and Im gonna let him finish what he's started. - God Love and Happiness Peace GLAHP