A part of my 90 day happyness diet I never saw coming.

I have for many years in life struggled to really see anything as a miracle (by God).
As a christian, we are always asked to be grateful for what we have and remember how lucky we are. I never felt like that growing up. Comfort in life was all I wanted and when I wanted something I wanted it rather fast. My prayers were always God give me this or else....(even though I never verbally said that my life mirrored that). I was never quite satisfied with what I had and who I was.

God is teaching me a lot. I always used to think there was something wrong with me for not being grateful and that is partially right. Things I learned was that

1. I didn't deserve all that I have/had. And that included my family, my friends, my talents, my education, my health etc. There are a lot of other people all around that deserved God's attention even more than I did. And God being unlike man was so gracious as to make my life quite wonderful. It was only by the grace of God that I was alive and well and breathing.

2.Only God can bring you to that place and help you stay there. Not conventional wisdom, motivational speaking, no nothing!!!! It is only through God and his grace that empowers us.

3. Life is truly a test and God works in ways to help you learn things you thought you already knew. He humbles the proud!

4. Even though life is a test and we need to past we might sometimes have to retake it no matter how well we prepared and how well we studied.

5. Humans are imperfect and God is perfect. Who you choose to focus on determines where you are going.

6. We should learn to surrender to God and his ways and only through that will we learn His true plans for us.

7. Let go of the things of the world that by their nature separate us from and keep us blinded us from the truth. Live an ascetic life.

8. Love people regardless of how they treat us. Pray that He gives us the strength to. And complain only to God!!!

9. When we fall acknowledge our state and pray that God helps us get on our feet.

Conscience vrs Faith

If there is any battle that goes on in my brain,then it's the battle between conscience and faith. As a christian, I've had the opportunity to develop a personal relationship with God and been able to learn to trust him with my life. However, there have been times when my faith has conflicted with my conscience. Yep. That has happened quite a few times and I have been very confused as I believed the two to be one.

So what are conscience and faith? How are they different? How come I have conflicting thoughts on these two main areas of my life.

I am part of an organized religion/faith/spiritual group. Like every other faith there is a set of rules and regulations to living a devout life and eventhough Jesus gave us a second chance at living a guilt-free life, we still are to abstain from certain things. That's is pretty fair to me. In order to be Christians (followers of Christ) we need to live like him. But somewhere in the bible we are thought that certain lifestyles are unacceptable (gays, lesbians, transgendered, bisexuals,etc) and these are considered cardinals sins. There is also the thought that all other religions even those that are very similar to the teachings of Jesus are doomed to fail and are heading to hell. WOW!

That is where my conscience kicks in. As a precocious young child, I once asked my non-religious father a very important question. I asked him where all the people who lived before Christ and therefore never had the chance to meet Him and accept him ended up going when they died. My father answered with much certainty saying they went to heaven or hell according to their deeds good or ill. And then I argued back "but they never accepted Jesus..." (at the time I was pretty sad my father had not accepted Jesus and might end up in hell as my sunday school teacher had taught us).
And so being the all knowing father that I saw him to be, he replied with all coolness and certainty with " their conscience did guide them ."

That was the first time I heard the word conscience. I was simply amazed at how God was kind enough to allow people into heaven even though they weren't able to purchase the ticket (Jesus) before hand. It was like being allowed to the poolside without paying for it. It sounded great and I felt that I could sleep after that. My father was going to heaven with the whole family! Great!

So as years passed on, the idea that the conscience was essentially going to be how God was going to judge non-believers gave me a sense of rest. It made me happy that we were all at some point given an equal playing field....no one with an upper hand.
But this feeling was short-lived after I was old enough to know about homosexuality and other religions.

Back in Ghana(West-Africa) homosexuality was viewed as demonic state of being. It was never talked about and like witchcraft or evil voodoo practices they were greatly feared and shunned by society. In high school (I went to an all girl catholic boarding school) some girls showed lesbian tendencies but these girls were always viewed as "spoiled", bad, immoral girls. I must admit that I greatly feared them as I believed homosexuality was some sort of contagious illness that could be contracted via eye contact. I avoided ''them" (try to avoid using that word) as much as possible.
In college (here in the US) lesbians where viewed as sexually exploratory individuals, feminists and even sexy.
In the Christian context, they were viewed not too differently than they are back in Africa - misfits and God rejects.

I struggled with this idea even after years of research. I asked myself questions like "is homosexuality reversible and are people gay because of the sexual benefits and social notoriety"?
My conscience was clear about God loving us all and wanting us to enjoy this life and live our true identities sans self-hate and doubt. But my faith was telling me otherwise. It was telling me the very lives of these folks was wrong and that God was going to judge them based on that. My conscience and faith don't always agree and this is one of many issues I have. It makes it hard to have christian friends because it makes me self conscious about these topics. I know that things will change in the future as we've already seen some major changes in the last few decades (civil rights movements, abolishing of slavery and colonialism) and that humans will draw closer to the knowledge of He who lives within us. Change will come at some point. I mean if USA has a black president then everything is possible.

I don't long to settle this conflict or to harmonize it in anyway. I just want to know God and surrender my every thought to him for He alone knows tomorrow and my heart. It is to me the mysteries of life that make God who he is. Besides Im not the only one in this type of situation. Great men like Gandhi and Darwin in a attempt to change society had to question their faith. To me its healthier than trying to harmonize them.

The essence of time.

Oh dear its been a while! I've learned a lot this past few days and I believe this is a good time to share it with y'all.

The essence of time. I came up with this topic after I watched a documentary about an artist who used 8 1/2 years to draw a single portrait to impress his mentor and possible jump start his art career. It was quite interesting to me since I grew up with this idea that time is money and everything has to be done in a rather timely fashion. I plan my days and future with a keen eye for time and its value in my life. As a child I believed that I would be done with a substantial degree by 24 and perhaps practice for a while and then launch my acting career all around the same time.

Here I am 23 years old and unemployed, broke, almost overweight and yet still hopeful and happier with myself than I have ever been. Do I still plan my life with time being the major guideline. Not so much. I believe now that age is just a number and now I'm enjoying being myself more than ever. I'm not living my ideal life but I know that will happen sooner than later. Im nevertheless living in the moment and not trying to be any where else.

Has time then lost its essence in my books? No. The bible talks about making most of your youth. The way we choose to use our time reflects who we are and what we value most. I choose my time here on earth to love God and my neighbor. To worship the most high with all I can. The artist in the documentary I saw defied the idea that time in itself is of greater essence than our existence. People measure time used by measuring the number of productive (achievements, money, fame etc) things acquired.

I sometimes sit down and think about how productive I've been over the past few years and it amazes me at how shallow I become by looking at all the things I should've done by now. I think about the fact that I've never had a relationship lasted more than 6 months or even to be quite crude a real relationship. I think about how I still depend on my parents financial help and support. At how I've been a people pleaser from since I was old enough to shave.
But now as I blog I think of myself as loving myself unconditionally. Loving others even when they don't deserve it and loving God even when I know he might be super mad at me.

I am going to stop measuring the worth of my life, time and existence by looking at the things I should be doing and just see life as God sees it.

if time was measured by things and achievements then folks in poverty stricken regions would have lost the essence of time. Ask yourself why they seem to understand time more than we do.

Modesty, humility, compassion and patience.

I want God to help me achieve these four character traits in full abundance. I know that I've struggled with accepting that I had problems in these areas with my so-called conventional earthly wisdom. I want the wisdom of God and not that of men. I want to live by the divine instructions of the Most High and not by my conventional wisdoms. I didn't create myself and seeking the creator's assistance to guide my way is only natural.

What is the wisdom of God?

I'll talk more about that in my future posts.

Peace be unto you.

Day 3: It shouldn't be our primary goal in life to seek happiness...really?

Today I learned that life isn't about searching for happiness. Really? I always thought living a true authentic life meant looking for what made you happy and enjoying it. It sounded very depressing and somewhat bleak when I learned this today.

The reason why I find this quite true is that when I was younger I wanted to get into this school of my dreams. So day and night I worked at getting good grades and dreamed about someday being in this prestigious school. Fortunately (or maybe unfortunately) I got into this school and after a few couple weeks I felt so sad and lonely. Even after getting exactly what I wanted I still felt unhappy.

Sadness is a part of life and the more you try to eliminate it( with material possessions, seeking external love, hedonism, achievements etc) the more frustrated you get and the less successful you are.

So the new me has decided to focus on the things of the now enjoy what I am and not what I'll be. Just be in a state of constant appreciation of where I am and just learn to trust in God for a better future. Since I know a state of 100% happiness isn't possible or even natural and that God made it this way so we seek the things of His kingdom and not only our own personal desires, I've learned to be more Namaste in my life.

Death has no power over me and life is a transient voyage which has an end. I am going to enjoy this no doubt....but my heart and soul will never be in anything earthly. It's hard for someone as passionate and driven as myself to think this way.
I want to be ambitious and yet peaceful with myself. That is one thing Ill be praying about all throughout this journey.


Peace be unto you.