My tears and fears...mmmhhh but I still trust Him.

Can I have fears and still trust Him? As you can already see (from the title), today wasn't as great as yesterday. Not as bad as the past few weeks but I really thought I was on a recovery roll with just how great these past few days had been. I thought things couldn't dip any lower. I wake up everyday with anticipation and really hoping that is the big day- the day of my healing manifestation. I realized that I had fears about returning to work. And yes that's silly but for me it's as real as can be. I trust God but I don't trust my own physical body to take me through hectic stressful work demands. I don't know if I can really truly focus and offer my best. Im blessed to say that for some unknown reasons(It's God of course), the manager at the store I was offered a part time position gave me some time to recover before starting my training and all that. That was a bit surprising because I was ready to give up my position. It makes me believe that for some reason God is up to something Im not aware of. Isn't he always? lol (; (first smile of the day) Praise God!! I feel like I can't do nothing really. And that's true to some extent even before I started experiencing these "symptoms". I always always relied so much on MY efforts. My strength, my zeal, my enthusiasm, my general optimism about my future. My walk with God even at my most "spiritual" level was never a helpless "help me Lord. I need you every day" attitude. Yes, I know I needed God but I always felt that most of the stuff I did was by my own efforts and God sort sat passively and supervised it. I wasn't needing my Jesus 24/7. Its crazy how out of control I can get these days without listening to His word or reading His word every now and then throughout the day. Like the devil attacks me every hour Im sitting idle. I try not to focus on the negative evil thoughts from the devil but I get mad sometimes.It's is truly medicine God's word. I feel so much better after some tough love from preachers like Creflo Dollar and Joyce Meyer.I guess I don't rebuke him enough. The devil provokes me mostly in public. Like the other time I almost cried on the subway. I was just so overwhelmed with the pain I was experiencing in my body and in my soul. I think I did shed a tear or two. At home I try to hide my breakdowns. Sometimes it's not because Im scared. Most of the times it's because Im overwhelmed with the present moment. The fact that I've never experience such a major setback in my life. People close to me have seen a change and that is what Im trying to avoid. I want to keep the Joy of the Lord. My mother called me today and I couldn't even really talk to her because every time I think of her it makes me cry. She is been through so much with her children. I feel like Im her hope. She frets a lot and worries about a lot and this change in me might cause her to worry more. It's just tough to write about that because I love my parents so much. For me it's God first and my parents and that just makes me sad to think that this might affect them even though it's for just a short period of time in my life. I can't talk to anybody and I feel alone most of the time. If it weren't for God's constant love and mercy, I know that I would have checked into a mental facility by now.But Jesus Christ died so I can say today that despite what I feel and what I did, He still cared enough to forgive, heal and promise me a great future. The pain may be unbearable now BUT I know once God remains on His throne, I'll be FINE and my testimony can only get better. Something tells me NOTHING can shake me after this when I come out of this experience. Im learning so much. It's crazy. My peace is getting better....not where I want it to be but God is working on me and Im gonna let him finish what he's started. - God Love and Happiness Peace GLAHP

Resting in God is probably the best thing I ever did (with His help of course)

So during these not so great days, the Lord revealed to me something and that needed to change in my life and that was the fact that I needed to rest in Him. Resting in Him means trusting Him and knowing that he has everything under control. Resting in Him is your faith in action..knowing that no matter what God's got you covered.Knowing that his word is true and works for believers that are ready to believe and have faith. It took a lot declaring scriptures upon my self and constantly rebuking the Devil and calling him out for what he truly is "a liar". I also had to spiritually seek counsel from my Mentor and other preachers on youtube. (Amazing what youtube can do a broken kinda-newbie christian) The truth is when I decided to really focus on Jesus and took my focus off whatever "symptoms" I was feeling, I began to feel a lot better and the devil knew that I had chosen to trust God no matter what. That to me is my number 1 victory and testimony. I was able to do this because I was desperate to go on with my life. God was nudging me to continue to live my life and not be so caught up with all the mess i felt I had gotten myself into. His forgiveness was offered to me on the cross 2000 years ago and His grace was sufficient for me. I had to truly believe my healing had already taken place and that I had to claim it and declare it for myself each day. And just three days that I started doing that and not googling my symptoms I feel so much better, hopeful and joyful. Who says God's word isn't powerful and true. This experience is made me grow stronger in Him more than I could ever imagine or hope for. I have also learned to totally depend on God. When these awful symptoms began, I couldn't even leave my house. It was just so uncomfortable but now I have no fears cos God has me covered. Another testimony I have is that, I went for a healing service yesterday and asked my brethren to pray for my broken heart. I was so despondent about all the things I had experienced with other people especially in my family and realized I was carrying a lot of pain and unforgiveness in my heart. I asked God to take that away and help me release them so I can really move on in my Christian life. This morning I woke up feeling so much lighter in my spirit and just expecting the best out of my day and guess what I did get it! I had the best day I've had in a month. Praise God!!! Another Testimony is that I asked the Holy Spirit to start to help me hear him. I asked for that audible voice thing that some people hear(being a little ambitious here lol) and yes the Holy Spirit did just that. Today the sermons from Rev Joel Osteen and Bishop TD Jakes were so direct and audible (of course) that they answered all the questions I had been asking God these past few days. Thanks Daddy. I felt so loved and so blessed. They were exactly what I needed to hear today. So far so good! I thank Jesus for such a wonderful day. Resting in Him is such a gift we have as Christians and we should all tap into that. The Devil of course tries to agitate us and make us feel anxious and scared but remember that whenever those feelings come don't allow them to go on for long. I have a couple video links that I believe you should see if you feel you are under attack. Thanks for reading and Goodnight. God Love and Happiness Peace -GLAHP Video 1- Dr Creflo Dollar -http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_XOo1EsVKk

The Prodigal daughter and her final return home.

So the day has finally come. I've made a final commitment and that is to God. I haven't been blogging much but with these recent events and how much change has occurred in my life just a little over a month, I believe blogging has become more of a necessity. So just last month, I did something that Im not proud of. I was involved in what I must admit was the worse sin anyone could commit. Sin against the temple of God. I abused my body in the most horrible way. Shortly after that incident, I felt very sick. I just believed this was to be a short term hangover of whatever I did but to my surprise it lasted way longer than I had anticipated. Unfortunately or fortunately (you will see as you read on) it greatly affected my life as I had to quit my job of almost 2 years and stay home. I waited day in and out to get better but nothing really happened as the symptoms which i now know to be anxiety attacks wouldn't really go. I felt almost trapped in my body. I was so desperate in need of help and so I googled and searched for ways to relief the pain i was feeling on a 24/7 basis. It finally dawned on me that I had really fallen. Since I moved here from Nashville, my walk with the Lord hasn't been great. Almost non existent. I almost denounced my salvation by living a very un Christlike lifestyle. I backslid big time and that had really made me just more sullen and unhappy. But of course I bought things and did stuff to cover up. This incident really got me going back to my Heavenly father. It was very scary at first as my thoughts were "omg my whole life has been ruined by one single bad decision i made that night" to "how am I going to explain myself to my family?" to "my enemies are finally happy". But that's where God showed up. Right at the time it was all messed up and broken and seemingly unfixable. I talked to my spiritual mentor (my high school math teacher) and he prayed for my forgiveness and healing. I received my healing that day and that is where the real journey began. After we talked on the phone, I still had a huge amount of guilt and feelings of shame and didn't know much about how to keep my healing. As soon as i started getting "symptoms" what i now see as the lies of the enemy, I would begin to worry and fret and cry and just be in so much agony. Nowadays whenever I feel that, I quickly attack the enemy back and cast it away and stand on God's word regarding my healing. I ve been doing this for a few days and I'm already seeing a lot of improvements PRAISE GOD!! This didn't just happen by just listening to the counsel from my spiritual mentor, i had to constantly fill my spirit up with God's word. I did this and still do by listening to preachers who talk a lot about healing -Creflo Dollar, Joel Osteen, Sheryl Brady among others. Yea, there are days when i don't understand why this is all happening but there are somethings I try never to do. And that is 1. Blame God 2. Or ask him why me?? I know I'm healed and therefore need to look at what lies ahead and not what I did which I can never change- though that can sometimes be hard amidst a storm of "symptoms/lies". Now i truly understand what Christ's death and resurrection all meant. So people like myself who have been in the business of self-destruction can get a chance to follow him. The rest of my life i dedicated to him not long ago. It was a great day. I let it all go. I just can't steer the wheel anymore. Im inept. The remainder of this blog will be about my walk with Him. I don't know what the future holds but I know he will bring me to a great end as He's promised in Jeremiah 29:11. My fear level is definitely down as Im learning to trust him amidst this storm. Jesus has said everything will be fine as long as he is in the boat. :) Catch me everyday as I pour my heart out to all who care to read and follow. Thanks. -GLAHP (God's love and happiness peace)

Has ADHD affected my day to day attitude towards life and general confidence?

I just got through the book driven from distraction and it talks about how to diagnose (done by a professional), manage and live with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder). For readers unfamiliar with this disorder it's characterized by inattentiveness or lack of focus, disorganization, impulsiveness, hyperactivity among other things. You might say to your self "i guess that's me then" because we all suffer from these symptoms every now and then but when it becomes so severe that interferes with our work or school in a negative way then you know you have it. So the book was highly insightful and further educated me on this disorder. It was hard enough getting through the sadness of 'having a disorder' but this book gave me a lot to be happy about. I haven't gotten an evaluation from a psychiatrist yet but i know for a fact that i have it based on the information i've garnered over my 2 years of research.
So the authors of the book 'Driven from Distraction' seemed more positive about the prospects of a person with ADHD. They stressed on the two most important decisions an ADHD person will make in their lives. These were their career choice and their choice of a partner (for marriage or relationship). My ADHD only became apparent in high school when I was sent off to boarding school. I was highly disorganized, always lost, late and overwhelmed by what seemed like normal daily routine for the masses in my school. The more I tried to get it together, the less effective I was at combating this problem. It was very frustrating coupled with being teased and looked down upon by your peers. What became my saving grace was my hard work in my science classes and how I became quite popular with some teachers. Even then, I knew my grades didn't exactly match the work and effort I put into studying. I nevertheless graduated one of the best in my class (though not as high as i'd desired). So I made it to the University and I still managed to get through my ADHD with vigorous studying and commitment but i always knew something wasn't right.
What became for me a life changing moment was when I came to the United States. My first real job was in a pharmacy where I had to work amongst many people in a very routine regimented setting. Let's just say my experience was mmhh...not up to par with at least the others. One day I was summoned by my supervisor and given the harshest critique anybody could ever get. I almost died to say the least.I was mortifying!! I knew there and then that I couldn't work there any more but i had to get over it and give myself another chance. So i did just that but since I became more self-conscious it affected my work and I ended up messing up a whole lot more. It was only a matter of time before I gave up my job and found a more suitable job for my ADHD. So there! that was the experience that made me most aware of the problem.
Knowing that I have ADHD has been quite perplexing experience. Im not sure whether it's been helpful or harmful but it's made me quite self conscious and more cautious. Which can be a good thing or bad thing depending. I used to believe in myself and believe that life was a result of one's effort but now i don't know what to make of it really. i want to believe that i can thrive in anything I put myself to but it's hard. It has indeed affected my attitude. Ive become a little wary of certain decisions.
I am still thinking about going to see a psychiatrist and a life coach. Im worried about the cost and perhaps the effectiveness of the whole thing. I know meeting a life coach will be quite significant but taking medication for my condition is something Im still struggling with.
Today Im grateful that I live in a part of the world where anything is possible. Yea my attitude has changed but I still believe this is something i can get through with God's Help. I have dreams of becoming a physician, writer, filmmaker, mother etc. Thats the plan thus far. So let's see where it takes me this journey of life...

- GLAHP

Haven't been here in a while.

So today was quite chilly after having amazing a few days of spring weather here in NYC. Yes I moved to NYC after my stay in Tennessee. Things have been going great and my family finally immigrated here from Ghana. There is a lot in my spiritual journey that I probably need to update. I'll let you know exactly what has changed, what still needs work and what I've been able to achieve thus far. There have been some wonderful experiences in the past months as well as not so great ones. All in all, i've been going through them rather casually with less resistance. Im beginning to be more accepting to life's roller coaster events and being gentler on my self. Life is good and Im making the best of it really. Thanks for your support and let's keep loving each other.

-GLAHP (God's Love and Happiness Peace)

A part of my 90 day happyness diet I never saw coming.

I have for many years in life struggled to really see anything as a miracle (by God).
As a christian, we are always asked to be grateful for what we have and remember how lucky we are. I never felt like that growing up. Comfort in life was all I wanted and when I wanted something I wanted it rather fast. My prayers were always God give me this or else....(even though I never verbally said that my life mirrored that). I was never quite satisfied with what I had and who I was.

God is teaching me a lot. I always used to think there was something wrong with me for not being grateful and that is partially right. Things I learned was that

1. I didn't deserve all that I have/had. And that included my family, my friends, my talents, my education, my health etc. There are a lot of other people all around that deserved God's attention even more than I did. And God being unlike man was so gracious as to make my life quite wonderful. It was only by the grace of God that I was alive and well and breathing.

2.Only God can bring you to that place and help you stay there. Not conventional wisdom, motivational speaking, no nothing!!!! It is only through God and his grace that empowers us.

3. Life is truly a test and God works in ways to help you learn things you thought you already knew. He humbles the proud!

4. Even though life is a test and we need to past we might sometimes have to retake it no matter how well we prepared and how well we studied.

5. Humans are imperfect and God is perfect. Who you choose to focus on determines where you are going.

6. We should learn to surrender to God and his ways and only through that will we learn His true plans for us.

7. Let go of the things of the world that by their nature separate us from and keep us blinded us from the truth. Live an ascetic life.

8. Love people regardless of how they treat us. Pray that He gives us the strength to. And complain only to God!!!

9. When we fall acknowledge our state and pray that God helps us get on our feet.

Conscience vrs Faith

If there is any battle that goes on in my brain,then it's the battle between conscience and faith. As a christian, I've had the opportunity to develop a personal relationship with God and been able to learn to trust him with my life. However, there have been times when my faith has conflicted with my conscience. Yep. That has happened quite a few times and I have been very confused as I believed the two to be one.

So what are conscience and faith? How are they different? How come I have conflicting thoughts on these two main areas of my life.

I am part of an organized religion/faith/spiritual group. Like every other faith there is a set of rules and regulations to living a devout life and eventhough Jesus gave us a second chance at living a guilt-free life, we still are to abstain from certain things. That's is pretty fair to me. In order to be Christians (followers of Christ) we need to live like him. But somewhere in the bible we are thought that certain lifestyles are unacceptable (gays, lesbians, transgendered, bisexuals,etc) and these are considered cardinals sins. There is also the thought that all other religions even those that are very similar to the teachings of Jesus are doomed to fail and are heading to hell. WOW!

That is where my conscience kicks in. As a precocious young child, I once asked my non-religious father a very important question. I asked him where all the people who lived before Christ and therefore never had the chance to meet Him and accept him ended up going when they died. My father answered with much certainty saying they went to heaven or hell according to their deeds good or ill. And then I argued back "but they never accepted Jesus..." (at the time I was pretty sad my father had not accepted Jesus and might end up in hell as my sunday school teacher had taught us).
And so being the all knowing father that I saw him to be, he replied with all coolness and certainty with " their conscience did guide them ."

That was the first time I heard the word conscience. I was simply amazed at how God was kind enough to allow people into heaven even though they weren't able to purchase the ticket (Jesus) before hand. It was like being allowed to the poolside without paying for it. It sounded great and I felt that I could sleep after that. My father was going to heaven with the whole family! Great!

So as years passed on, the idea that the conscience was essentially going to be how God was going to judge non-believers gave me a sense of rest. It made me happy that we were all at some point given an equal playing field....no one with an upper hand.
But this feeling was short-lived after I was old enough to know about homosexuality and other religions.

Back in Ghana(West-Africa) homosexuality was viewed as demonic state of being. It was never talked about and like witchcraft or evil voodoo practices they were greatly feared and shunned by society. In high school (I went to an all girl catholic boarding school) some girls showed lesbian tendencies but these girls were always viewed as "spoiled", bad, immoral girls. I must admit that I greatly feared them as I believed homosexuality was some sort of contagious illness that could be contracted via eye contact. I avoided ''them" (try to avoid using that word) as much as possible.
In college (here in the US) lesbians where viewed as sexually exploratory individuals, feminists and even sexy.
In the Christian context, they were viewed not too differently than they are back in Africa - misfits and God rejects.

I struggled with this idea even after years of research. I asked myself questions like "is homosexuality reversible and are people gay because of the sexual benefits and social notoriety"?
My conscience was clear about God loving us all and wanting us to enjoy this life and live our true identities sans self-hate and doubt. But my faith was telling me otherwise. It was telling me the very lives of these folks was wrong and that God was going to judge them based on that. My conscience and faith don't always agree and this is one of many issues I have. It makes it hard to have christian friends because it makes me self conscious about these topics. I know that things will change in the future as we've already seen some major changes in the last few decades (civil rights movements, abolishing of slavery and colonialism) and that humans will draw closer to the knowledge of He who lives within us. Change will come at some point. I mean if USA has a black president then everything is possible.

I don't long to settle this conflict or to harmonize it in anyway. I just want to know God and surrender my every thought to him for He alone knows tomorrow and my heart. It is to me the mysteries of life that make God who he is. Besides Im not the only one in this type of situation. Great men like Gandhi and Darwin in a attempt to change society had to question their faith. To me its healthier than trying to harmonize them.