My tears and fears...mmmhhh but I still trust Him.

Can I have fears and still trust Him? As you can already see (from the title), today wasn't as great as yesterday. Not as bad as the past few weeks but I really thought I was on a recovery roll with just how great these past few days had been. I thought things couldn't dip any lower. I wake up everyday with anticipation and really hoping that is the big day- the day of my healing manifestation. I realized that I had fears about returning to work. And yes that's silly but for me it's as real as can be. I trust God but I don't trust my own physical body to take me through hectic stressful work demands. I don't know if I can really truly focus and offer my best. Im blessed to say that for some unknown reasons(It's God of course), the manager at the store I was offered a part time position gave me some time to recover before starting my training and all that. That was a bit surprising because I was ready to give up my position. It makes me believe that for some reason God is up to something Im not aware of. Isn't he always? lol (; (first smile of the day) Praise God!! I feel like I can't do nothing really. And that's true to some extent even before I started experiencing these "symptoms". I always always relied so much on MY efforts. My strength, my zeal, my enthusiasm, my general optimism about my future. My walk with God even at my most "spiritual" level was never a helpless "help me Lord. I need you every day" attitude. Yes, I know I needed God but I always felt that most of the stuff I did was by my own efforts and God sort sat passively and supervised it. I wasn't needing my Jesus 24/7. Its crazy how out of control I can get these days without listening to His word or reading His word every now and then throughout the day. Like the devil attacks me every hour Im sitting idle. I try not to focus on the negative evil thoughts from the devil but I get mad sometimes.It's is truly medicine God's word. I feel so much better after some tough love from preachers like Creflo Dollar and Joyce Meyer.I guess I don't rebuke him enough. The devil provokes me mostly in public. Like the other time I almost cried on the subway. I was just so overwhelmed with the pain I was experiencing in my body and in my soul. I think I did shed a tear or two. At home I try to hide my breakdowns. Sometimes it's not because Im scared. Most of the times it's because Im overwhelmed with the present moment. The fact that I've never experience such a major setback in my life. People close to me have seen a change and that is what Im trying to avoid. I want to keep the Joy of the Lord. My mother called me today and I couldn't even really talk to her because every time I think of her it makes me cry. She is been through so much with her children. I feel like Im her hope. She frets a lot and worries about a lot and this change in me might cause her to worry more. It's just tough to write about that because I love my parents so much. For me it's God first and my parents and that just makes me sad to think that this might affect them even though it's for just a short period of time in my life. I can't talk to anybody and I feel alone most of the time. If it weren't for God's constant love and mercy, I know that I would have checked into a mental facility by now.But Jesus Christ died so I can say today that despite what I feel and what I did, He still cared enough to forgive, heal and promise me a great future. The pain may be unbearable now BUT I know once God remains on His throne, I'll be FINE and my testimony can only get better. Something tells me NOTHING can shake me after this when I come out of this experience. Im learning so much. It's crazy. My peace is getting better....not where I want it to be but God is working on me and Im gonna let him finish what he's started. - God Love and Happiness Peace GLAHP

Resting in God is probably the best thing I ever did (with His help of course)

So during these not so great days, the Lord revealed to me something and that needed to change in my life and that was the fact that I needed to rest in Him. Resting in Him means trusting Him and knowing that he has everything under control. Resting in Him is your faith in action..knowing that no matter what God's got you covered.Knowing that his word is true and works for believers that are ready to believe and have faith. It took a lot declaring scriptures upon my self and constantly rebuking the Devil and calling him out for what he truly is "a liar". I also had to spiritually seek counsel from my Mentor and other preachers on youtube. (Amazing what youtube can do a broken kinda-newbie christian) The truth is when I decided to really focus on Jesus and took my focus off whatever "symptoms" I was feeling, I began to feel a lot better and the devil knew that I had chosen to trust God no matter what. That to me is my number 1 victory and testimony. I was able to do this because I was desperate to go on with my life. God was nudging me to continue to live my life and not be so caught up with all the mess i felt I had gotten myself into. His forgiveness was offered to me on the cross 2000 years ago and His grace was sufficient for me. I had to truly believe my healing had already taken place and that I had to claim it and declare it for myself each day. And just three days that I started doing that and not googling my symptoms I feel so much better, hopeful and joyful. Who says God's word isn't powerful and true. This experience is made me grow stronger in Him more than I could ever imagine or hope for. I have also learned to totally depend on God. When these awful symptoms began, I couldn't even leave my house. It was just so uncomfortable but now I have no fears cos God has me covered. Another testimony I have is that, I went for a healing service yesterday and asked my brethren to pray for my broken heart. I was so despondent about all the things I had experienced with other people especially in my family and realized I was carrying a lot of pain and unforgiveness in my heart. I asked God to take that away and help me release them so I can really move on in my Christian life. This morning I woke up feeling so much lighter in my spirit and just expecting the best out of my day and guess what I did get it! I had the best day I've had in a month. Praise God!!! Another Testimony is that I asked the Holy Spirit to start to help me hear him. I asked for that audible voice thing that some people hear(being a little ambitious here lol) and yes the Holy Spirit did just that. Today the sermons from Rev Joel Osteen and Bishop TD Jakes were so direct and audible (of course) that they answered all the questions I had been asking God these past few days. Thanks Daddy. I felt so loved and so blessed. They were exactly what I needed to hear today. So far so good! I thank Jesus for such a wonderful day. Resting in Him is such a gift we have as Christians and we should all tap into that. The Devil of course tries to agitate us and make us feel anxious and scared but remember that whenever those feelings come don't allow them to go on for long. I have a couple video links that I believe you should see if you feel you are under attack. Thanks for reading and Goodnight. God Love and Happiness Peace -GLAHP Video 1- Dr Creflo Dollar -http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_XOo1EsVKk

The Prodigal daughter and her final return home.

So the day has finally come. I've made a final commitment and that is to God. I haven't been blogging much but with these recent events and how much change has occurred in my life just a little over a month, I believe blogging has become more of a necessity. So just last month, I did something that Im not proud of. I was involved in what I must admit was the worse sin anyone could commit. Sin against the temple of God. I abused my body in the most horrible way. Shortly after that incident, I felt very sick. I just believed this was to be a short term hangover of whatever I did but to my surprise it lasted way longer than I had anticipated. Unfortunately or fortunately (you will see as you read on) it greatly affected my life as I had to quit my job of almost 2 years and stay home. I waited day in and out to get better but nothing really happened as the symptoms which i now know to be anxiety attacks wouldn't really go. I felt almost trapped in my body. I was so desperate in need of help and so I googled and searched for ways to relief the pain i was feeling on a 24/7 basis. It finally dawned on me that I had really fallen. Since I moved here from Nashville, my walk with the Lord hasn't been great. Almost non existent. I almost denounced my salvation by living a very un Christlike lifestyle. I backslid big time and that had really made me just more sullen and unhappy. But of course I bought things and did stuff to cover up. This incident really got me going back to my Heavenly father. It was very scary at first as my thoughts were "omg my whole life has been ruined by one single bad decision i made that night" to "how am I going to explain myself to my family?" to "my enemies are finally happy". But that's where God showed up. Right at the time it was all messed up and broken and seemingly unfixable. I talked to my spiritual mentor (my high school math teacher) and he prayed for my forgiveness and healing. I received my healing that day and that is where the real journey began. After we talked on the phone, I still had a huge amount of guilt and feelings of shame and didn't know much about how to keep my healing. As soon as i started getting "symptoms" what i now see as the lies of the enemy, I would begin to worry and fret and cry and just be in so much agony. Nowadays whenever I feel that, I quickly attack the enemy back and cast it away and stand on God's word regarding my healing. I ve been doing this for a few days and I'm already seeing a lot of improvements PRAISE GOD!! This didn't just happen by just listening to the counsel from my spiritual mentor, i had to constantly fill my spirit up with God's word. I did this and still do by listening to preachers who talk a lot about healing -Creflo Dollar, Joel Osteen, Sheryl Brady among others. Yea, there are days when i don't understand why this is all happening but there are somethings I try never to do. And that is 1. Blame God 2. Or ask him why me?? I know I'm healed and therefore need to look at what lies ahead and not what I did which I can never change- though that can sometimes be hard amidst a storm of "symptoms/lies". Now i truly understand what Christ's death and resurrection all meant. So people like myself who have been in the business of self-destruction can get a chance to follow him. The rest of my life i dedicated to him not long ago. It was a great day. I let it all go. I just can't steer the wheel anymore. Im inept. The remainder of this blog will be about my walk with Him. I don't know what the future holds but I know he will bring me to a great end as He's promised in Jeremiah 29:11. My fear level is definitely down as Im learning to trust him amidst this storm. Jesus has said everything will be fine as long as he is in the boat. :) Catch me everyday as I pour my heart out to all who care to read and follow. Thanks. -GLAHP (God's love and happiness peace)